Wednesday

Well, Wednesday was a tough day, huh? Not just because it was a tension between Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday for some of us, but because America experienced another mass shooting. 

It's hard for me to do my school work this week. I'm distracted. That's not my favorite way to be; I prefer to be more focused. I find myself wanting to be hopeful that we can have some meaningful change in legislation but being hopeful feels disingenuous. Since at least the 90s we have been having calls for change after mass shootings and we still don't have meaningful changes. Yet again, I've contacted senators and representatives - I did all Iowa's US reps this time. I assume I'll be living in this same place for the next election, but it's possible I'll be another's constituent by then. 

I'm troubled by all of the "reasons" I've seen named for this: gun laws, mental health, schools not being secured, teachers not being armed, society at large, break down of family, silence of churches, sin. As an aside, I cannot understand why one would name "sin" and then appear to infer that nothing can be done "It's not gun laws or mental health" it's "sin". So we sit here and do nothing because our poor laws clearly have nothing to do with "sin"?!

Taking a wider look using statistics, also on Wednesday 162 people died in the US from opioid overdose, 123 suicides in the US (about 1/5 veterans; half using firearms), 8500 children under the age of 5 died from poor nutrition worldwide, 1200 murdered worldwide, and 17 died in a school shooting in Florida. Each and every one of these deaths is significant. Each person is of sacred value and worth. Though my head cannot take in these numbers, my heart can.

Another wider look that is discouraging to me is that this isn't new. For example, I've been reading church history this year and it is full of awful killing-sprees done in the name of God and empire. 

So, I think that our trouble begins with a misunderstanding of the problem. The problem is big and deep and wide. We can take constructive steps to fix it, and we should, but we will do best when we acknowledge the gravity of the issue, like the tax collector did in Luke 18 who "...beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’" There is widespread error in our initial reactions, including mine. On one hand, we think it can be solved with legislation alone, getting rid of a strong lobbyist, or on the other hand, we think it's too abstract to even try to solve, aka "sin".

I read Kathleen Norris' essay on Idolatry today, from Amazing Grace. She brings up that in older english the word "devotion" also could mean "curse" so the word held in tension how being devoted to something often means being against something else. So, when Jesus reframes the commandments by saying, love God, love neighbor, love self (Mark 12), it's an incredibly difficult thing for us humans because we couple devotion with cursing. On good days I struggle to keep them all going at one - holding that tension among loving God and neighbor and myself. On bad days I can't even try - I'm too mad at my neighbor or myself or God to hold devotion without cursing. 

I think that we see the cursing side of devotion all over the place in our culture. To be devoted to the constitution means to curse gun control. To be devoted to God means to curse your neighbor or yourself.  And our devotions run so deep, and our curses with them, that we can't listen and we can't love. 

So, how to have hope? I have hope because of things that seem little. I have hope because the Gospel of John records Jesus praying for us, and Romans says the Spirit helps us pray (John 17, Romans 8). I have hope because big problems don't scare Jesus (see my reflection from our trip to Madison). I have hope because the love of God shines through people even in the dark places. I have hope because even on days that I see and hear awful things, I also see and hear beautiful things; God's grace is still at work. I have hope because I believe Jesus really did overcome death; the Spirit really is at work even in our mess; and one day all things really will be set right. And, I have hope that we still look at tragedy like this and know that it's not right. So, maybe being hopeful isn't disingenuous after all. 

And maybe I can do my schoolwork now?

May you have grace to live in the tension of loving God, neighbor, and self, with hope.

You are loved!

--

https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/

http://www.foodaidfoundation.org/world-hunger-statistics.html

https://www.militarytimes.com/veterans/2016/07/07/new-va-study-finds-20-veterans-commit-suicide-each-day/

http://www.unodc.org/unodc/en/press/releases/2014/April/some-437000-people-murdered-worldwide-in-2012-according-to-new-unodc-study.html

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/09/02/upshot/fentanyl-drug-overdose-deaths.html

https://www.amazon.com/Amazing-Grace-Vocabulary-Kathleen-Norris/dp/1573227218

Tension

This Wednesday we observed both Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday. It was a really good chance to look at the tension that is present every day – celebration and grief. It was a feast and a fast at one time. And, while the dual holidays don’t happen often, the tension is really not unusual.

 At FUMC we've experienced a lot of this same tension in the past 5 months. Personally, when I celebrate something with my husband, I'm often reminded that Pastor Jenny can't be with hers in the same way anymore. During my weeklong vacation with my family in Florida at Christmas, I was aware that my friend Lana and her family were supposed to be on vacation too that same week. I was enjoying my family, while she was in a hospital, grieving.

On Wednesday, Pastor Jenny heroically lived into her calling of Pastor despite it begin one of the bad days of grief. For me, Valentine’s Day was different: my valentine was “super romantic” and texted a funny video. And maybe he’ll find some candy on clearance for me! But he is here, so my day was different.

 I'm learning, slowly, to let the tension be present, which means that I can experience both - joy and sadness - and let them be together. Experiencing is more than acknowledging. It's easier to acknowledge: this is life; it's the human experience. I acknowledge that life is both hard and good. Experiencing is more. To experience both means letting these realities affect me: they bring tears, laughter, silent prayers, and huge smiles. They result in hugs of congratulations and wordless embraces of empathy.

 The cross was a mix too, right? The mother weeping, the Son crying out, the earth quaking, and the temple curtain ripping in two, all because of perfect love. The best of all and the worst of all, all mixed up in one. And more: the entire incarnation of Jesus Christ was a mix of human limitation and divine power. Jesus did them both too. I admit that it is hard for me, often, to let the two exist together, but fortunately, I can be pretty determined, so I'll keep trying. And I'm thankful for the continual opportunity and grace to try and for God to work within me, within us, to be formed.